


Sensitive

by Lonely_Sea_Lion



Category: Japan (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mick's POV, Swearing, this stuff gets heavier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-23 18:30:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13793625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonely_Sea_Lion/pseuds/Lonely_Sea_Lion
Summary: Mick has to find out what "betrayal" is...





	Sensitive

Utopia. What do I know about it? Well, what do we all know by now? It sounds like a magic place, a country with no past, present or future, where everything is possible and filled with fairy-like ghosts full of glitter and cartoonish hearts. The place, which is perfect for those, who can only dream, because it is the only escape from suffering.

I was living in Utopia for all this time, I followed and fulfilled my own dreams, turning them into life. Some of my dreams I pictured in a form of sculpture. All my demons of worry and doubt, anger and sadness are captured in plaster and bronze. All my feelings belong to statues with vague names. The Mask of Confidence is looking down at me right now. Her oriental face is so calm - that is how I want to remember it. Yuka is my confidence. I want to trust my heart and soul to her, and I am ready to make a move and ask her opinion on this one.

How happy can I be? No more, I've reached my peak, I am on the finish line now. Even if I let go of David, I now have more sure and confident person by my side. I don't need him. Not anymore, nor ever, he is more of an obstacle now that I finally settled everything in with my relationship and my contract with "Virgin". Now I am content, I hope I would feel like that after we fall apart as a band.

 

***

  
"I'm moving in with David," - Yuka reminds me of her plaster copy. She is calm, quiet as always, serious as no one else. "What? You must be joking, Yuka-san, I can admit, it was a good one!" - I try to let out a laugh, but I cannot make it sound natural at all. "No, Mick, I move in with him. That means, I am with him from now on," - she is cold like a marble stone, pale as snow, solid like a rock, I can't help but hate the way she looks right now, though I would admire it earlier. In awe I am standing in the middle of the room, trying to get myself together. I suppose, it wasn't a joke, even the most hurtful jokes turn out to be funny. I couldn't feel any light-heartedness in the air, only tense scent of bewilderment and cheap boxes full of slightly dusted clothes and accessories. All neatly tucked together in just two.

"Tell me one thing, before you leave: why?" - my voice cracked treacherously. "I do not have to tell you, you are already aware of it. By now I just like David more and I know him a lot better, he interests me and makes me feel like a real woman," - she says nonchalantly. Like fire disgust and jealousy overwhelmed me, it burns like mad inside, I even feel my temperature rising. "So, how does he like to please you? Does he worship you? Is he good at oral? Oh, I bet he is, you know, he sucked so many people off to get where he is! Does he let you to fuck him? Tell him, that I would gladly invade his whore-hole with my clarinet, no lube intended!" - I never thought that I could say something like that, but now it sounds more stupid than it should've, and I'm deeply ashamed. I bet he tried all of this, though...  
"You disgust me, don't call me and never write," - Yuka took her boxes and stomped out of my flat immediately. I was alone, but Mask was still watching me.

 

I ripped a couple of magazines, broke the vase that was chosen and bought by Yuka and me last week, nearly crashed a couple of frames with posters hanging on the walls, and I almost broke the Mask, when I threw a cup at her. She was left with a scratch on her shoulder, I was left with a scratch on my heart.

I am sitting on the floor, looking at the mess, and crying over the torn picture of me and him. Tears are falling onto glossy paper, it is now wet, and colours got distorted a little bit. I feel like a betrayed schoolgirl, dumped by her partner just seconds before her last prom. I can't stop it: as hard as I want to control it, I really want to give up on everything and dive into depression or underwater in my bathroom, just to never breathe again. I might sound like a crybaby, but have you ever experienced so much betrayal? At first, he takes away my chance to contribute to the performance with full potential, breaks down every plan and rejects all ideas, then, he steals my girlfriend. I can relate only to women at that point, who usually get cucked by their men and best friends who take them away, when they are not on the watch. I feel exactly like that, my soul is rushing from one side of this misery ship to another. It feels like an endless walk through the maze of disappointment and disloyalty filled with tears to the brim.

 

From my living room I can see the windows of his flat. There is a light in one of them, curtains drew shut. I opened the frame to listen to any possible sound of voices or anything. The whole street is silent, the time is somewhere around 3 AM, late night sky is so deeply dark, that I have to look away, otherwise I will be submerged by this giant black mass. I close the window and turn away, helplessly bursting into tears once again. The time to move out is soon, the bus will be waiting by eight o'clock, I didn't have any sleep at all and probably won't. It seems impossible to make it through the last hours of waiting for something that won't bring me much happiness. I wish I could just melt and dry away forever or something, just to never show up in the same place as him, to never step on the same ground, to never breathe one air and live on the same planet with him at all. I abhor him and everything we have in common, I want to get rid of every reminder, of every small detail from the past. I would gladly get rid of myself, but I don't want to become the traitor to my friends and don't want my family to know that I passed away from crying myself to death.

I have lost, now I know, that I was not the winning one all this time, I was just riding a small wave of success, which was microscopic in comparison to his. Now I am completely alone, surrounded by casted soulless creatures of my own, some immersive monsters, lots of pieces of glossy paper torn to small nothings, my own blood on my hands and under my nails, and anxiety. I am lost and dead. One awfully big and important part of my fractured soul just came off and broke into pieces, and nothing can fix it. I was seriously injured by the evil will of fate, which was never kind to me. I hope it will change its mind someday, but definitely not today, not this year even. I've lost so much throughout my life, but never expected something like this to occur and break me down so hard I won't be able to speak - only to sob and howl inaudibly, because I've lost my voice, just like it happens in the worst nightmares.

 

Hours later by the tour bus I see him talking to his brother. With disgust I moved past him, not even looking at them, and got to the farthest sit I can find. I pretend to be busy by the book I cannot even read, because all I do is only stare at the words and see how letters are mixing and playing leapfrog in front of my eyes. In the corner of my vision I can see puzzled Richard, who is surely thinking about what could've gone wrong today, because he turned his gaze away immediately, when he noticed that I am watching. I can understand him, I look intimidating and he is doing the right thing by not asking me about anything. Same with confused Steve, who waved at me, when he entered, but when he got no reply, he went red and joined Richard and his quiet suspicions. I don't remember seeing David, he must've gotten himself a separate car or something, because he is a coward. He is afraid of seeing me and my grey outraged face right now.

I lost all my will to talk and communicate, and remained silent for three days straight, not a single word could be heard from me by anyone. I went deep to the darkest corner of my soul and buried myself in hatred and sheer disgust. Now I know what betrayal feels like, more than that, I know what it looks like. And it surely looks somewhat similar to David Sylvian...

My long gone friend I never had.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess, this one came out worse than previous, that's why it's so quiet here. I should note that.
> 
> But yeah, stuff gets messed up, isn't it? After reading Mick's book I was impressed, yet hurt deeply with his bitterness and sadness. This man deserved thousand hugs, but there was nobody out there to help him. This is my interpretation of what he might have felt at the moment of the break up of the band. It won't get any better, I warned you.
> 
> Later, I promise, I will build them a happy ending on my own. In a week or two, I hope.


End file.
